


In My Hands

by iamgizy (saddle_tramp), saddle_tramp



Series: Wrapped 'Verse [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cheating, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-16
Updated: 2011-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-15 17:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddle_tramp/pseuds/iamgizy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddle_tramp/pseuds/saddle_tramp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pairing: Lily/James, Sirius/James<br/>Rating: PG-13 for language</p><p>Summary: Set in the same timeline/universe as my Harry/Sev story Wrapped Around His Finger, in December of 1979.</p><p>The song 'Hemorrhage (In My Hands)' by Fuel and a talk with Jenn on AIM was the inspiration for this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Hands

 

Lily's back tensed as she heard footsteps on the stairs, but she didn't look up from the sink when Sirius walked into the kitchen a few moments later.

 

Sirius yawned, running one hand through his shaggy black hair. It hung around his face in tangled waves that made it painfully obvious he had just rolled out of bed, but after making only a token attempt to restore some sort of order to it he forgot about it. He sauntered over to the icebox like he owned the place, opening the door and taking out a bottle of Guinness before he moved over to pop the cap off by setting it against the kitchen counter and giving it a sharp rap. He tossed the cap into the trash and then leaned against the counter as he took a long drink of his beer, watching Lily calmly scrubbing the pan he had used that morning when he had been distracted by James and burned breakfast.

 

Sirius lowered his hand to hold the beer close to his stomach after a slow drink, watching her switch to scraping with a knife at the burnt potatoes caked in the bottom of the pan. "I would have done that," he said quietly, his intensely blue eyes focused on her face.

 

"You were _busy_ , and I wanted my kitchen to look respectable," Lily replied, not looking up as she methodically scraped the bottom of the pan. "James invited some of the Order over tonight, and I refuse to have the house looking like a pigsty."

 

Sirius took another drink of his beer. "Speaking of, where is Jamie?"

 

Lily's voice was calm and quiet as she replied, and she didn't pause at all in what she was doing. She and Sirius had been friends once but weren't any longer, not really, and she refused to let him see how much she longed to use the knife on him instead of the pan. "In the garden."

 

"Thanks," Sirius replied, draining the last of his beer and then dropping the bottle in the bin on his way into the mudroom.

 

Lily heard the back door close behind him and stopped scraping at the pan, her shoulders slumping as she let her eyes close and her expression twisted into one of complete self-loathing. A tear slid down her cheek after a bit and she impatiently brushed it away with the back of her wrist before she started scrubbing again. She used more force than was necessary to scrape loose the last bit of scorched potato and then dropped the knife back in the soapy water. She glanced up at the window behind the sink out of habit then only to freeze, staring out into the garden.

 

Sirius and James were standing together under the huge old oak tree, James with his hands resting on Sirius' hips while Sirius was stroking James' cheek with a smile. Sirius said something and James blushed, a slight smile appearing on his face as he gave Sirius a reply that made Sirius chuckle and lean in to kiss him. James barely responded and Sirius pulled away after a moment, whispering something that caused James to give him a sudden sweet smile. James kissed Sirius lovingly then, moving his arms up to drape them loosely around Sirius' neck, and Sirius slid one hand into James' unruly hair as his other hand settled low at the small James' back pulled him closer.

 

Lily swallowed hard as James melted against Sirius, not really wanting to watch the two men but unable to tear her gaze away as she tried to remember the last time James had kissed _her_ like that. She knew that they wandered off together several times a day to shag, but _seeing_ the obvious love James had for Sirius was still like a knife twisting in her chest. James still had sex with her occasionally and usually slept with her at night, but he left her bed at dawn every morning to go make love to Sirius and acted as if that was as normal as could be.

 

James was _always_ late to breakfast, usually with a very smug Sirius in tow, and Lily was having more and more trouble pretending that everything was right with her world. The hardest thing for her was that Sirius lived with them, so there was never a time that she could be completely alone with James. Sirius refused to have anything to do with his family and James simply would not hear of Sirius living alone or in Remus' one-room flat, so Sirius' room was just down the hall from James and Lily's. Lily had to walk by on the way to make breakfast every morning, and more often than not she heard things she wished she hadn't.

 

Lily pushed aside her thoughts as James and Sirius finally parted, watching them smile at each other with enough obvious love to make her heart ache. After a short time, Sirius said something that made James kiss him quickly and give him a look that was quite simply _full_ of heart-felt devotion as he said what Lily had no doubt was 'I love you'.

 

She finally tore her gaze away from them then, grabbing a dishrag to finish scrubbing out the pan as she firmly quashed the yearning for James to look at her like that. He was usually sweet and always nice, and she knew he loved her, but not like he loved Sirius. James treated her more like his favourite sister unless he was in one of his rare heterosexual moods, and even then he wasn't nearly as loving as he could have been.

 

 _'_ _Sev loved me more than Jamie does,_ _'_ Lily thought, her lips twisting into an expression of self-loathing that she wore all too often when she was alone. ' _Lucius, changeable and hard to read as he is, probably loved me more. I know he_ wanted _me more._ _'_

 

Lily snorted softly, setting the pan in the sink and then pulling the plug from the drain as she turned on the water with her other hand to begin rinsing the dishes. ' _I am quite simply the stupidest woman to ever walk the earth, but then, Luc told me that years ago when he figured out I really_ _was willing to completely turn my back on Sev just to be with James. Luc told me then I would regret it, but did I listen to the silver-tongued arsehole? No, of_ course _not... I just let him snog me goodbye and went on my merry starry-eyed way, thinking that loving James would make everything else okay. It even worked, until he moved his boyfriend into_ my house _and started shagging him a_ _hell of a lot more often than he's ever wanted me._ _'_

 

Lily heard the back door open and schooled her expression to one of indifference, rinsing the dishes quickly and efficiently. James walked through the mudroom into the kitchen and gave her a quick smile, but she didn't even see it. Sirius followed James in with a smirk and stopped by the counter, his blue eyes so intent on her face that she could almost feel him staring at her.

 

After she finished the pan she was rinsing, she looked up to meet his gaze, her green eyes calm as she asked, "Did you want something?"

 

"Already had it," Sirius replied, making James give him a surprised and slightly annoyed look.

 

Lily looked back down at the sink, continuing to rinse the dishes. "Yes, and you drank the last Guinness, too, so you'll need to go out after more for tonight. There is a ten pound note in the jar on the icebox. Dinner is in two hours."

 

Sirius moved towards the refrigerator, nodding. "Anything else you want me to get while I'm out, Lil?"

 

"My name is _Lily_ ," she replied with calm emphasis, refusing to rise to the bait even though she knew he was well aware of how much she hated to be called 'Lil'. "You could get a sack of potatoes as well if you go by the market, and perhaps some onions. Seems we're out."

 

Sirius took the money out of the jar and then turned towards James to see him watching Lily's back with a slightly sad expression. Sirius walked to stand in front of James, blocking James' view of Lily as he grinned and said, "You coming with me, Jamie?"

 

James gazed into Sirius' eyes for a long moment and then finally sighed, nodding. "Sure, I could use a walk."

 

"Don't hurry back," Lily said calmly, making James look over Sirius' shoulder at her in surprise. "I've got to vacuum and I don't want to listen to you two complain about the noise. I should be through by dinner time."

 

"We'll stay out of your way," Sirius replied, grabbing James' hand and leading him from the room before James could think of anything to say.

 

Lily relaxed slightly when she heard the front door close, glad that they were gone.

 

Lucius had told her four years ago that James was too much of a poofter to really love her, just like Severus, but she didn't believe him. Now she spent every day wishing she had.

 

.:.

 

Lily leaned back against the sink later that night, drying her hands slowly as she yawned and listened to James bidding the Longbottoms farewell, followed by the whoosh of the Floo. She had just finished the dishes, again, and was exhausted both mentally and physically after an evening of playing the dutiful, happy wife. She wanted nothing more than to go to bed, and when she saw James move into the kitchen doorway a moment later and smile at her, she decided that was exactly what she was going to do. She tossed the towel on the counter and then started towards James as she said, "I'm going to bed."

 

"Good," James replied, moving out of her way to let her leave the kitchen as he flipped off the light and then followed her. "You look like you could use some rest. It's nearly midnight, so I think I'll come along."

 

Lily made a non-committal noise, resisting the urge to say that didn't surprise her. He never wanted to stay up so late that he couldn't wake in time for his morning shag with Sirius before he had to head off to work. She walked towards the stairs without a word, ignoring Sirius sitting in the living room with Remus and Peter and barely even noticing as James paused to bid the others goodnight.

 

James hurried to follow her upstairs after only a moment, and as she listened to his quickly approaching footsteps, she made a sudden decision. She walked into their room and slipped inside, completely aware that James had almost reached the door as she closed it in his face. Lily flipped the lock and leaned against the door, prepared for James to try and open it, but he just stood in the hallway in silence.

 

Several minutes passed before James finally said softly, "Lily? Are you mad at me?"

 

Lily couldn't help a soft, mirthless laugh at that. "Just go sleep with Sirius tonight, we both know that's where you want to be anyway."

 

"Lily..." There was another long moment of silence and then James said softly, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I did to upset you."

 

Lily closed her eyes, willing her voice to stay steady and calm. "You don't need to apologize, James. Just go away. Good night."

 

James was quiet again for a minute or two before he finally sighed and then said, "Good night."

 

Lily listened to his footsteps as he walked along the hall and down the stairs, then turned to put her back to the door, sliding down it and curling up in a ball. She finally allowed herself to cry then, sobbing softly as she cursed herself for marrying James Potter.

 

.:.

 

Lily quietly looked out the window at the slowly falling snow as she let Dr. Ellington's words wash over her, numb with shock and not really paying any attention to what the doctor was saying.

 

She had been packing that morning, intending to finally leave James, when she went to gather her things from the bathroom and realized that she hadn't needed certain things in over two months. She no longer bothered to take her birth control pills because James slept with her so infrequently, and the sudden realization that she could be pregnant had stopped her in her tracks.

 

Lily had thought over her options and then called to make a quick appointment with an old family friend, her mother's Muggle doctor. The news she received after a few simple tests wasn't at all welcome.

 

"I should have left him when Sirius moved in," Lily murmured softly to herself, and the doctor broke off mid-word.

 

"I beg your pardon?" Dr. Ellington said, looking shocked.

 

"Nothing," Lily said, shaking her head. She turned away from the window to give the doctor a faked smile that looked perfectly genuine except for the fact it didn't reach her eyes. "I'm sorry I spaced out, this was a bit of a surprise. What were you saying?"

 

"That you must be beside yourself, and I can see I was right," Dr. Ellington replied, smiling back. "This must be a wonderful Christmas gift for you, child. Your mother will be thrilled, she was just telling me a few weeks ago that she was wishing for more grandchildren."

 

Lily's smile didn't slip a bit even though she felt as though she was dying inside. "Yes, Mother _is_ going to be thrilled, and so is James."

 

Lily continued to make small talk with the doctor for a little while after that, only half paying attention. She filed away everything the doctor said in the part of her mind that used to be reserved for boring lectures at school, wondering if the fact she was having James' baby would change anything. By the time the doctor wound down and guided her out of the office, Lily was over the shock and had decided it probably wouldn't change anything, but she still had her confidence back as she quickly made her way home. Whatever would happen, she could survive it, and she completely deserved it for marrying a man that she knew did not love her.

 

The house seemed to be empty when she got home, and Lily was glad that James still hadn't returned from wherever he and Sirius went for Dumbledore that morning. She trotted upstairs to unpack her bag, opening the door to her room only to stop in surprise.

 

Sirius looked up from where he was sitting on _her_ bed with his back against the headboard and his muddy boots on her coverlet, his blue eyes narrowing in anger at the sight of her. James lifted his head from where it had been resting on Sirius' lap and brushed dampness from his cheeks as he said quickly, "Please don't leave us, Lily. Tell me what it is I’ve done wrong and I'll fix it, I promise."

 

Lily just stared at James for a moment, taking in his red-rimmed eyes that were full of what looked to be genuine pain, and then she sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I had hoped you wouldn't be home yet."

 

"Hoping to just sneak off and abandon your _husband_ , eh?" Sirius asked, his voice and eyes both hard and angry.

 

James looked at Sirius in surprise as Lily's expression hardened. "He's more _your_ husband than mine, Sirius. You're the one he loves." Sirius smirked at that and Lily's lips twisted into a sneer as she added, "And I wouldn't have to _sneak about_ to leave without you two noticing. You wouldn't give me a second thought until teatime, and you'd only miss me then because you had to fend for yourselves."

 

"Lily, no," James said, giving her a hurt look. "I _do_ love you, honestly. I would miss you _dreadfully_ if you were gone."

 

Lily looked at him and then sighed, moving towards the dresser where her suitcase was to begin putting her clothes away again. "Yes, well, unpleasant as living here may be, you needn't worry you'll have to miss me." She snorted softly and then added, "Or learn to cook, or clean, or wash your own clothes. Your maid is staying on."

 

"You are _not_ our maid!" James protested, jumping up and moving to stand by the dresser so he could see her face. "You're my wife and I _love_ you, Lily."

 

Lily gazed into James' brown eyes for a moment and then looked back at the suitcase as she lifted a stack of jeans from it to put them into a drawer. "I know you do, James, and I know you don't mean to make me feel like an outsider in my own home. It still happens."

 

James looked upset and lost as he asked, "What can I do to fix it? How can I make you happy?"

 

Lily stopped what she was doing to meet James’ gaze again as she said simply, "You could be more like Sev."

 

James flinched and turned away, facing towards the bed. "I don't want to be _anything_ like that slimy git."

 

"I know," Lily replied, returning to unpacking her things. "He loved me completely and freely, and he never lied to me about the fact he was queer."

 

"He's Lucius Malfoy's _catamite_!" Sirius said suddenly, standing up and moving towards James as he glared at Lily. "Snape is no better than a common rent-boy."

 

Lily whirled around, her green eyes flashing. "Shut your mouth about him, Sirius Black!" Her hands moved in angry gestures to emphasize her words as she let some of the anger and frustration she had hidden for so long come pouring out. "Severus is a better man than you'll _ever_ be, and a hell of a lot more _honest_ to boot! He and Luc never _once_ made me feel like a third wheel around them, _or_ like I was unwelcome. They _both_ cared about me _and_ my feelings!"

 

"I care," James said softly, turning around to look at Lily again, his brown eyes full of pain. "I don't know why you think I don't."

 

Lily sighed again, her shoulders slumping as she met James' gaze. "I know _you_ do, James, and that you'd never hurt me on purpose."

 

"So you're saying I do," Sirius said, angry but keeping his voice down so he wouldn't upset James further. "You're blaming whatever bug you've got up your skirt totally on me."

 

Lily looked at Sirius for a long moment and then shrugged. "If the shoe fits, Sirius." She turned back to her suitcase as she added, "I'm not staying here to please either of you. I'm staying because I refuse to raise a child without a father."

 

James' eyes went wide as Sirius exclaimed, "Child?! You're _pregnant_?!"

 

"Yes," Lily replied calmly. "I packed my things to leave this morning, but then I realized I might be pregnant. Imagine my joy to find out that I am."

 

"You're having my baby?" James asked softly, moving towards her hesitantly.

 

Lily whirled to look at him, suddenly angry again. "You damned well better not be hinting it might be anyone _else's_ baby, James."

 

"No, no, I _know_ you'd never cheat on me," James replied quickly, making soothing motions. "I, just-- A _baby_?"

 

"Yes James, a _baby_ ," Lily replied, her tone suddenly insultingly patient even though her eyes made it plain she was still angry. "That is what happens when you fuck a _woman_ and forget to use a contraceptive spell. If you didn't know that, you should have stuck to men."

 

James blinked, his brown eyes filling with hurt. "Why are you so angry about it? Don't you _want_ our baby?"

 

Lily made an exasperated noise and turned her back on them again just as Sirius moved to pull James into his arms. "It's nearly noon," she said instead of answering. "Why don't you two go down and make something to eat? There's enough ham in the icebox for sandwiches, and you should be able to manage that without burning down the house."

 

Sirius glared at her over James' shoulder but he didn't say anything, rubbing James' back soothingly. James pulled away after only a few moments though, and Sirius reluctantly let go of him.

 

James turned to look at Lily again and said softly, "Come down whenever you're ready, Lily. I'll make you a nice salad."

 

Lily nodded once. "Alright. I shouldn't be long."

 

James watched her for a minute or two and then turned away, grabbing Sirius' hand and towing him from the room. "No hurry."

 

Lily continued putting clothes away until she was sure they were gone, and then moved to the bedroom door and shut it quietly. She walked over to the foot of the bed and sat down, stroking her bracelet and wishing that she could talk to Sev. She missed him so much, but she had made her choices a long time ago and she had to live with them, even if that meant she couldn't have her best friend or the life she'd always dreamed of. She was going to be a mother, and to her that meant she didn't have any alternative but to stay and make the best of the mess she had made of her life.

 

Everyone knew that a child needed a father.

 

 ~ End


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